


Wide Eyes, Not So Whimsical

by Merixcil



Series: Tumblr Fics [58]
Category: AOMG, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Age Difference, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Kiseok's not used to being with people who don't just tell him how they feel
Relationships: Jung Kiseok | Simon D/Min Yoongi | Suga
Series: Tumblr Fics [58]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759627
Kudos: 3





	Wide Eyes, Not So Whimsical

Most days, Yoongi’s mood is an afterthought. He’s a bit happy or a bit grumpy or a bit tired. Tired is a powerful emotion, Kiseok feels it faster and faster these days, he’s only thirty two for fuck’s sake.

Point being, nothing ever deviates too far from the norm, which is less standoffish than it thinks it is, a little hot headed, cuddly in the mornings. Yoongi slips in and out of Kiseok’s apartment like clockwork - they have a routine - and talks in loud grumbles about his day and his friends and his group mates and whatever else goes on when Kiseok’s not watching.

Kiseok’s pretty good at watching, Kiseok can really pay attention when he wants to.

“You alright?” he slides Yoongi a box of take out chicken from the place down the street.

Yoongi’s eyes are glassy, his shoulders tight around his ears. His mouth hangs open like there’s a thought trying desperately to escape from it that will not be dislodged. He shakes himself free of his stupor and his shoulders are still tense, “I’m fine.”

That’s pretty normal. Kiseok takes a bite of chicken and lets him be.

Three days is a long time for Kiseok to go without texting someone, for Yoongi it would appear to be more or less standard. It’s a shame, there are dinner dates and movie nights they miss out on when he doesn’t pick up his phone, but it can’t be helped. If he was trying just a little less hard to be cool, Kiseok might make a fuss, but it’s easier not to start silly fights in the first place.

 _C u 2night?_ Kiseok send off, tries not to get his hopes up.

Two hours later, he gets a reply. Pretty good going. _Don’t think I can. Sorry. Working on some stuff._

Kiseok’s heard that before. _You sure you don’t wanna be distracted? ;)_

 _We’ll do something on Tuesday._ Yoongi replies.

Kiseok is cool, he doesn’t go chasing after people like that. He doesn’t say anything when the snapchat Yoongi sends him less than an hour later has clearly not been taken anywhere near the studio.

“I gotta go,” Yoongi jumps up from the sofa in a rush.

Kiseok resents the empty space he leaves, “for real? Already?”

Yoongi’s already half way to the door, throwing on outdoor clothing and checking his phone with a pointed intensity that doesn’t seem entirely natural. Kiseok gets up to show him out, trying not to sulk, trying not to be miffed but…

“C’mon, you can stay another couple of hours. I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to show you,” he grins, wiggles his eyebrows. When all else fails sex is normally enough of a reason for Yoongi to pull his shit together.

Yoongi sighs, bites his lip. He’s thinking, not in a ‘what I have to do verses what I want to do’ sort of way. Kiseok knows what that looks like, it’s a bit irritable and doesn’t like it but chooses what is necessary over what is nice. This is the indecision of someone who doesn’t know what they want. Why would Yoongi not know? Where does he want to be that isn’t right here?

“I have to go,” Yoongi breathes.

Kiseok shrugs, disappointed, watches him go. It bugs him though, something doesn’t quite add up here. Yoongi was smiling just half an hour ago, happy to go along with whatever. It doesn’t make sense.

Calls in the middle of the night are not completely unheard of, they both keep odd hours, after all. Sometimes it’s a booty call, sometimes a drunk dial, sometimes the world feels so wide at night that it’s only fair that they share it with someone. Kiseok sees Yoongi’s name pop up on the front of his phone, blinking away sleep from a rarely snatched early night. He’s not best pleased.

“What?” he snaps.

“Hey! I just…um…it’s late I just wanted to…” Yoongi’s breathing too much, speaking too fast. Kiseok scowls.

“Spit it out.”

“We had a late schedule for some bullshit idol business…thing. Anyway I hate people don’t you just...hate people sometimes?”

Kiseok wants to slam the phone down and let Yoongi deal with his late night nihilism on someone else’s watch – he’s tired, he doesn’t want to be having this conversation. But something feels off, either too light or too heavy, he can’t quite work out which, but his gut tells him that he has been called because Yoongi knows he’ll stay on the line.

“Are you alright?” Kiseok asks. He can already see Yoongi’s glassy stare, everyone stares off sometimes, nothing weird about it. Everything weird about it. He’s not sure, it feels like he’s crossing unseen boundaries just by entertaining the idea that anything about this is wrong, and yet it’s wrong.

“I’m fine,” Yoongi replies tightly. Then he rattles off some bullshit story about a couple of idols Kiseok doesn’t know and a security guard. It doesn’t sound very important and so he stops paying attention.

Kiseok’s a crybaby at heart, he doesn’t mind saying as much. His emotions get the better of him more often than not and that’s fine. He’d rather feel big and brash than pretend he doesn’t feel.

Every time the mixtape ends he goes back to the first track and starts over. He still hasn’t told Yoongi what he thinks. Fuck, he’s not even really listening to the music, he’s listening to all the parts of their conversations that have been missing, kicking himself for not being just a bit pushier, just a bit more clingy.

He feels numb, and angry, and sad. He doesn’t think crying will help.

It takes three hours and ten phone calls for Yoongi to pick up, Kiseok’s about ready to go marching over to his dorm.

Kiseok in Yoongi’s dorm is a hard limit, no go zone. He’d be in the dog house for a month making up for it, but he’s willing to go that far, if that’s what it takes. No more half measures.

“Jesus fucking Christ you took your time,” Kiseok collapses onto the sofa, “what was all that about?”

“What was that about?” There’s a note of bemused indulgence in Yoongi’s voice. He doesn’t sound distant or distracted or wrong, he sounds like he’s supposed to sound. Like he always sounds, until he doesn’t.

Kiseok doesn’t know where to begin to start, so he starts at the impetus. “That fucking mixtape.”

“You didn’t like it?”

“That’s really not the point,” Kiseok winces, kicking himself internally for saying it like that. He can practically see Yoongi shrinking in on himself, he’s not as good at taking criticism as he’d like to be, “Yoongi, you shouldn’t go airing your shit out like that.”

“It’s my shit, I’ll air it where I like,”

“Where you want to air it and where’s good to air it are two different things, _trust me_.”

“I don’t know wh-“

“As someone who’s been doing this for a lot longer than you, trust me,” Kiseok finds his pacing, slows down, lets his voice settle into a tone less accusatory and more comforting, “you gotta be careful what you put out there.”

There is silence, and for a long moment Kiseok worries that Yoongi will think up an excuse to end this conversation and things will proceed as normal.

“It just…” Yoongi starts quiet, “it feels so much better to get it out.”

“You have friends, don’t you?”

“Yeah but…I dunno man I’m not sure it makes much difference if I talk to a friend or if I talk to a mic.”

Of course he doesn’t, he’s still so goddamn young. Kiseok feels tired just thinking about it, “It makes all the difference. The people who are listening to this, they don’t know you like that. But they think they do. Mixing this kind of shit with your fans can only go so far before it gets nasty.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Yoongi sounds miserable.

“Talk to me!” Kiseok smiles despite himself, the simple things always come hardest.

They both stop, take pause. Trapped in the headlights, nowhere to run.

“Not right now,” Yoongi says, “I’ll see you Thursday just…not tonight.”

Thursday is three days away. Kiseok has just enough patience to stretch that far.

**Author's Note:**

> Lmao can you believe some people write kpop fic where the idols are still idols? Me neither
> 
> This work was originally posted as part of a multi chaptered 'tumblr prompts' fic that I'm trying to split up. If you think you've read it before, you probably have
> 
> Comments on the previous posting of this fic (just ask if you want me to remove yours) include:
> 
> >chihiro: im not crying im definitely not crying  
> >there's an update from you and its yoongi/ssam d im DEFINITELY not crying i swear i mean its you who got me into this ship in the first place i want to kneel before the gods and ask them to bless you for doing so sfhsdjakgfhraj  
> >this was so painful and good and painfully good in all the right(wrong?) ways i just want to lie down with this little ficlet for a while god i love the way you capture ssam d's voice and yoongi seemed so lonely and closed off and like...i just wished someone would reach out and touch him and shake him out of it...that's why!!! i'm saying you wrote this entire thing so heartwrenchingly well in just a few words!!  
> >great job i'm still definitely not crying i think i just have a severe case of ninjas infiltrating my house and cutting onions near me. ahsjgdje thank you so much!!! i haven't gone to sleep since i had a lot of assignments left and you updated this right when it finished?? its almost 7 am?? i feel like god has rewarded me ily and i love god and i love pain.... im a masochist whos going to go up and wail for ssam d and yoongi again thank you so much <3333333333333333333333333333  
> >>Merixcil: THIS IS THE SWEETEST COMMENT HECK!  
> >>I hope the ninjas have ceased chopping those onions and well done on finishing all your assignments. Thank you so much for reading and commenting and I hope you're having a great day <3


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